Heated Lesbian v. Lesbian Action In Greek Court
05/01/2008
Inhabitants of the Greek island Lesbos, known as Lesbians, are taking the Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece to court for their use of the term "lesbian." It seems Lesbians are getting sick and tired of being mistaken for lesbians, and they will stop at nothing to stop lesbians from calling themselves lesbian. Lesbian Dimitris Lambrou, one of the plaintiffs ... Read More
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Penis Theft On The Rise In Congo
04/23/2008
Boys, if you're heading to Congo's capital city anytime soon, make sure you leave your boy parts someplace safe until you return. Penis theft and shrinkage is on the rise in Kinshasa, and there's no guarantee that your most private of organs will make it back to penis-friendly territory unscathed, or even worse, at all. Our advice to those guys that are worried about ... Read More
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Chuck Norris Cheats Death For Record Millionth Time
04/09/2008
Actor Chuck Norris bamboozled the Grim Reaper yet again yesterday when a teacher discovered Norris' name on the hit list of a 16-year-old Pennsauken High School student. Norris was listed along with three students and a school staff member. All we can say—and we're pretty confident you'll agree with our sentiment—is, "dude, what in the sh*t were you thinking?" Do ... Read More
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Gun Control Lobby Removes Rifle From Heston's Cold Dead Hands
04/07/2008
James Brady and fellow gun control proponents won a major victory on Sunday when they were finally able to wrest away Charlton Heston's symbolic rifle upon his death. Heston, who suffered from Alzheimer's disease, had been maintaining a "kung-fu death grip" on the weapon since the NRA's 2000 convention. The fate of the Second Amendment is up in the air... Read More
Posted in Politics, TV/Film, News, Entertainment | Permalink
Man Arrested For Putting It All On The Table
03/31/2008
Hey guy, if you really want to pork your patio table's umbrella hole, that's fine. This is America after all, and we respect your right to be a complete deviant. However, we suggest the next time you feel the indomitable urge for wrought iron burning in you loins, you haul that curvaceous table inside where you can't be videotaped by your neighbors. Or watched from th ... Read More
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Fresh Air: Anchorman and Reporter Continue Feud Live
03/12/2008
From Cronkite to Koppel, America has had her fair share of hallowed anchormen and women. Readers, meet Jim, whose lightening ascent to journalism's zenith has cost him those things most important in life, friends and family. Jim has also never watched Citizen Kane. Needless to say, Ollie is somewhat disgruntled over Jim's backstabbing power grab. "Rosebud," man, "rose ... Read More
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US Exchange Student Gets The Skinny On Weight Loss In Egypt
02/28/2008
17-year-old Jonathan McCullum of Maine decided to spend his junior year of high school on an American Field Service-arranged exchange trip to Alexandria, Egypt. While there for the school year, McCullum gained first-hand experience in the Coptic Christian lifestyle, but lost 58 pounds; Copts fast for more than 200 days out of the year. While young Jonathan's ordeal wa ... Read More
Posted in Food, News, Religion | Permalink
Swedish Dwarf Crime Epidemic Dwarves Other Swedish Crime Epidemics
02/21/2008
Despite a strict three-strikes policy on dwarf crime, Sweden has found itself in the midst of a dwarf crime pandemic. As reported in the Telegraph, criminal organizations have been using little people to plunder stowed baggage on long-distance coaches. Dwarves are packed inside of suitcases and then loaded onto buses with legitimate passenger luggage. After the buses ... Read More
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21-Year-Old Democratic Party Super Delegate Jason Rae Undecided On Presidential Candidate, Gym Electives For Next Semester
02/13/2008
Jason Rae has been gettin' a lot of phone calls over the last few weeks from some important people. Ya know, people like Hillary Clinton, Madeleine Albright, Barack Obama, and John Kerry. He ate breakfast with Chelsea Clinton a couple of days ago and had to postpone dinner plans the other night to field a call from Slick Willy hiss'elf. Jason Rae is 21. He is a junior ... Read More
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Jesus Atones For "Weiner Poopie" Sins
02/11/2008
Nobody ever said being a cement Jesus was all sunshine and rainbows. We're all about roving bands of juvenile vigilantes. Pick that poopie up lady! Read More
